The Honest Truth

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


The honest truth is, I'm sad.

I'm just so, so sad about everything that happened on Friday and the things that have happened since. I'm feeling hopeless about our future or the possibility that anything will change. It's because my son is in kindergarten. It's because I know what six looks like, as this blogger said so perfectly. Six will happen at our house this month. It's because the faces of the victims look so much like his

I know the mama-bear in me will be angry later, and I won't accept this hopeless feeling. I won't. I will rage against semi-automatic weapons. I will rage against the gaming industry and disgusting movies that spew horrific violence and blunt our sensitivities. I will rage against people who take extreme positions on any side; who can't see the middle ground or the faces of those who suffer. I will rage against the stigma of mental illness, and how in the world can we provide people with help? I will rage against parents who shrug and against myself - for haven't I been a fool? Thinking bad things only happen in big public spaces, in unlucky venues; not in intimate, construction-paper-decorated classrooms. Not in a place where it could have been my child. 

But for now, I'm sad. 

I will say this, though - I'm not questioning God. I'm surprised about that. I thought maybe I would, but the truth is, I can't wonder, "Where is God?" I can't even entertain that thought. Why? Because I've gotten to a point where I've never felt Him so near. And how did I get to that point? It's taken place mostly right here, on these pages. I'm not sure how else to say it, or explain it, other than I know He is part of this world, and he hasn't abandoned us to evil. He loves us. And I long for Him to come and be a bigger, more forceful presence in my life. I'm resting in Him now, and I'm pressing to say, "Oh, the horror! Oh the pain, Lord. What can we do? What can we do?" 

I'm praying for Him to take me to a place where my sadness and my rage turn into something He can use. I'm praying for the next step, and for Him to show me - show us - the way.


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I had other posts written for this week and next, but I just can't stick to that plan. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts here. I pray that you are finding comfort and peace in these difficult days, too.


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19 Comments »

19 Responses to “The Honest Truth”

  1. You echo my sentiments, Courtney. Before I was a Christian, I might have flailed about, wondering where God was. This week, I am comforted greatly by his presence, as I just know he is here, walking us all through these storms.

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    1. Hi Kim - Thank you for commenting. I know just what you mean - "might have flailed about" - that is how it once was. Now, there is so much comfort in feeling his arms on either side.

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  2. Thank you so much for your posts on this. I needed them.
    Lauren

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. I needed that, too.

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  3. I don't think there is an easy solution to this. That's one of the worst parts of a tragedy; sometimes there are no answers. I think it's a combination of so many horrible things. The more I digest the information, the more I begin to believe this was beyond a human act. I don't mean to sound like a crazy person, and I'm not going to start handling snakes anytime soon :), but I can't help but feel this was an act of a very dark force. Obviously I've kept our children away from coverage as much as possible, but when we do see anything about it, I remind them to search for God. They've actually thought of more ways than I ever could have in which God was and is present. Great post!

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    1. I love how are children are often the ones who teach us the most, thinking of ways God was and is present. Thank you for comment.

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  4. As a former first grade teacher, I have a lot of darling faces going through my mind, too.

    Praying for you as you process your grief.

    Fondly,
    Glenda

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    1. Thank you, Glenda. I always get so much joy at your place, and your icon here makes me smile, too.

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  5. Oh, I imagine how it is hitting more close to home for you since your son is that age, but you offer such hope in your grief...asking God to use this sadness and rage is beautiful. My son will be turning 5 and I have taught for 10 years and can't imagine any of it. Wonderful post, thank you for sharing it with such honesty.

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    1. Hi Dionne, Thank you for your words. I'm glad you saw the hope in my post. That is what I was trying to, ultimately, convey. Appreciate your presence here.

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  6. I hear you. And I am walking beside you in this mess and of not questioning God and being slightly surprised. Isn't it amazing how He continually grows us closer, sometimes with us not fully recognizing what is happening? And when we look up, there He is.

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    1. Hi Jen - Knowing that you are walking in this same mess brings a level of comfort, too. Godly friends are a treasure.

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  7. My youngest just turned six in November...my heart aches for those parents and families. But I read somewhere that while we want answers to why this happened we simply won't get them. We may get reasons but the only answer is Christ. May He be made known to all.

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    1. The only answer is Christ - so true. Glad you wrote those words.

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  8. Let's not forget the two who were killed in Oregon last week, and one in the hospital recovering. A shooter entered a mall and began shooting. He would have injured or killed more but his gun jammed. Innocent people shopping for the holidays, not going home that night to their loved ones.
    Each event was tragic. Let us pray for all the loved ones who lost their family members. Let us also not forget the first responders for their job as police and firemen is to assess the carnage and I cannot even imagine what they saw that day.

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    1. Yes - the first responders. I have been thinking of them and cannot imagine their grief or what they must process. I am so grateful for their work; our society could not function without such heroes. And you make a great point about additional victims in other shootings. We cannot forget any of them. It is unacceptable.

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  9. Mama-bear,
    Let your gentle, and, kind characteristics take over the sadness/anger in you as the parents in Newtown did for their daughter, Grace. Grace loved peace. She would make the peace sign as well as the sign of the heart, with God's love. On Saturday - the day after her daughter was shot, the mother found this message written on the steamed mirror in the bathroom where they had dried her hair together.
    She feels it is a sign from Grace (through God) to forgive, to let go of the anger, and to heal by helping others. Even in trying times, His light does shine for us to find that comfort and grace. Peace and love to you.

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    1. Annie - What a lovely story. I'm glad you shared it here. It is amazing how children are, truly, little angels among us.

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  10. I was at Dillon's school Christmas party yesterday, and the faces of those children flashed before me. It hit me like a wave, this grief you speak of. The collective sadness we feel is what makes me hopeful. The fact that we hurt for people we don't know, and that we realize how easily it could have been us, lets me know that God is there, with us, revealing truth through all of this gut wrenching pain.

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